Have you ever gone for a run and needed lube so you wouldn’t chafe, because you didn’t have Body Glide and you thought-well I guess this will have to do, and then you really started thinking about lube? Obviously at this point we all know that we need to use lube- or do you not know that? Do you not know what lube is? Dear reader let me introduce you to the greatest thing, I guess you didn’t know you needed…. Lube as defined by webster’s dictionary as your secret (it’s not a secret) weapon to have better, wetter sex.
Sebastian from the Little Mermaid was right “everything is better down where it’s wetter”. Sometimes, people can’t get wet, doesn’t mean that they don’t like you (sorry straight gentlemen this comment is directed at you, I know the lesbians reading this know this), sometimes it just means that we have 200 other things going on in our brain and the floodgates just won’t open. So to keep the magic flowing, you create your own hurricane, a fast lane, an E-Z pass lane, and you use the blood of christ- lube (for those of you who are new to lube, it’s not actually blood, I don’t want to scare you). Isn’t it so weird that religions are like “the blood of christ” and then drink communal wine? Nothing screams cult like drinking from the same cup pretending it’s someone’s blood…
Now that you are all caught up on what lube is because you’ve never heard of it or you’re a 35-year old man that has never had a woman be honest, I think we should have lube flights. Like you can walk into a brewery and get a flight of beer and test all the products, but you can’t do that with lube? Like I want to walk into a sex shop and have them greet me with a flight of lube. Why? because every lube has different smells and tastes and consistencies and I would like to know before I by a $30 bottle of lube that seemingly lasts forever. Is it going to leak all over my things when I move with the consistency of the floods when Noah had to build his arc ( why are there so many bible references? I don’t know I was really religious once upon a time)? I mean yes sure I would love the floods when I am about to have something inserted into me, like yes lord please bless the rains down on Africa, but not when it’s sitting on my shelf. Also some lubes have a weird smell, just like how condoms have a weird smell and if it smells weird or slightly like latex I will no longer want to have sex, because there is nothing worse than a dick that smells like burning plastic from 1997 before it’s about to go inside me. Not to mention some of them taste fucking foul.
And I know you’re like “why the fuck would you be tasting it (because people have asked me this)” I don’t know maybe things are going in my mouth after they are inside me- it’s not that hard to figure out, or maybe I am putting it on ice cream I don’t know, but some of those flavors are so fucking foul. Looking directly at you VANILLA CUPCAKE FROSTING. In what world did an R&D department want to have a dick taste like WARM VANILLA CUPCAKE FROSTING??? That’s a lotion from 2002, we didn’t need to bring it back. I don’t want a dick to taste like vanilla, because it never does and it’s disappointing it tastes like sweaty dick with a cover up of fake vanilla Febreeze and I just can’t fucking handle that.
Why can’t we make some complimentary flavors like BACON or FRENCH FRIES? What about a salty lube? What about BUTTERED TOAST? Or how about MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY?? THANKSDICKING?! That would be a great holiday falvor. Could McDonald’s come up with a lube and call it McDick- I mean I’m lovin’ it??? Anything that is not warm vanilla cupcake or mango tango or chocolate passion-which never tastes like chocolate and I feel like that’s not a hard flavor to fake. Why did we assume that anyone wants a dick to taste like a fake fruit or like a buttercream cupcake? If wanted a cupcake I wouldn’t be sucking dick. Obviously I don’t use Warm Vanilla Cupcake Frosting lube anymore, but I am scarred for life from the 2 years that I did use it and I sware that that bottle never ran out. It was the gift that kept on giving, like JESUS AND HIS FISH. At any point was no one like “yeah Jesus no more fish- it’s TOO MUCH”. Because that’s how I felt about Warm Vanilla Cupcake Frosting lube. Yes of course I could have bought another flavor but I was 18 and poor and that was $30- so it was a bang for your buck, but let me tell you- the smell of fake vanilla makes me gag to this day.
Here are some actual lube flavors for your pleasure:
Strawberry- because we have to flavor everything like strawberry, and when you tell her you have strawberry lube- she will want to suck your dick. And you’ll sadly hear 18-year-olds talk about how strawberry tastes pretty good- no this is warm chapstick from 1992 retire this flavor.
Cotton candy- Because you are a clown and she’s in the circus trying to suck your cotton candy flavored dick-WHO INVENTED THIS AS A LUBE FLAVOR. Like cotton candy on its own isn’t orgasmic so why would we pair it with DICK?
Cinnamon-…….because what you really want to remember is all those nights of taking Cinnamon Burnette’s shots and then you want that cinnamon stick inside you. I love cinnamon, nothing about a cinnamon roll dick sounds appetizing to me not even like icing flavor to go with it.
Peaches- for the love of dear god can we cut it with the fruit?!?!? WHO WANTS PEACHES LUBE?! This isn’t an ice cream sundae from Georgia in the summer
“Fuck Sauce Scented Lubricant”- this is a real name of a real lube and I haven’t tried it, but it does say that it has the “unique smell of splooge”and I don’t think I have come across worse marketing in my life…..listen I’m not judging if that’s what you’re into, but if you pull this lube out, I may dry up and leave immediately.
All of these flavors are an injustice to women everywhere. These R&D departments need to do fucking better.
1. The amount of caps lock used is phenomenal.
2. I have quite literally never met someone outside of my college who also suffered through Burnett's. I love this for us.